From Dusk til Dawn
by alovelymonkeyisveryhappy
Summary: "'I promise…I won't come back…it'll be as if I never existed…' Those were the last words Edward had ever spoken to me. And he's kept his promise. Half of it. The part about never coming back. But not once has it ever been as if he never existed. Not for me. Not ever." Bella has tried her best to move on, but has she? Edward has remained her muse - quite literally.
1. Chapter 1

"I promise…I won't come back…it'll be as if I never existed…"

Those were the last words Edward had ever spoken to me. And he's kept his promise. Half of it. The part about never coming back. But not once has it ever been as if he never existed. Not for me. Not ever.

I looked in the mirror of the hotel bathroom, the florescent lighting casting garish circles under my eyes. I sighed as I leaned over the sink to splash cold water on my face. I couldn't go ten minutes without something reminding me of Edward, even after all this time. I closed my eyes against the cold, hard porcelain and willed the water to wash away even just one of the memories I couldn't ever escape. It didn't work.

The phone rang, a welcome distraction from my obsessive mind. I walked quickly to the desk of the junior suite I would be in for only one more night as I patted my face dry on a stiff white towel.

"Bella?" my agent, Anne Marie, chirped into my ear.

"Yes, it's me," I answered dully.

"Chin up, babe, this thing hasn't even started yet. And this is only day one of 36. You can't sound so distraught this early in the game."

"I know, I'm fine," I tried to put a little more life in my voice. "I will be, at least," I sighed. "I just didn't sleep well."

"Sorry, sweetie. Maybe we can drug you with a sleeping pill tonight."

"We just might have to," I answered. It wouldn't be the first time I had used over-the-counter medication to help me get much needed sleep.

"Well, consider this your 40 minute notice. We need to be outside the ballroom when they're doing your intro."

"Of course," I replied, trying to put myself into work mode. I functioned in work mode. I was successful in work mode. I was here to promote my third novel. And I was going to do it well. "Forty minutes," I confirmed in the most assertive phone voice I could muster at the moment.

I hung up the phone and returned to the bathroom. Over the past nine years, I had become incredibly adept at compartmentalizing. It was a survival skill I used on a daily basis. I was going to get ready and I was going to the book signing and I was going to live up to my New York Times Best-Selling Author persona. That's what I had to keep telling myself anyway.

Anne Marie met me just where she said she would, outside the doors to the hotel ballroom, where the book signing was being held. I could hear a cacophony of voices barely muffled by the walls. I still couldn't believe the hubbub that surrounded my books. But then again, I had fallen in love with the characters ten years ago myself; I could more than see the appeal.

"Ok, you ready for this?" Anne Marie asked.

"Of course." I was struggling. I straightened the hem of my black blazer. Something was off today and I just couldn't focus. Thoughts of Forks, thoughts of Him, they kept intruding.

"That deep purple color looks great on you, hon," Anne Marie said, referring to the silk blouse under the blazer. "It should bring out your beautiful creamy skin in photos." That was her nice way of saying "pale white."

"Thank you," I said. I shook my arms, trying to get the usual pre-performance jitters to settle. Going out onstage in front of hundreds of people was always hard for me, but with my unsettled mind, today might be harder. I heard the MC of the book signing approach the microphone as the noise from the crowd started to settle.

I closed my eyes, trying to prepare myself for the questions I knew would come. And, try as I might, further prepare myself for the inevitable hurt they would cause me when all this was over, at night in my room alone.

"Bella, that's your cue," I felt Anne Marie nudge me gently. My eyes flew open. I hadn't been paying attention. Ok. This wasn't going to be a good day. I was off kilter. I wasn't able to shut my mind off. It was what I called a "dark day."

I looked into Anne Marie's eyes and plastered a smile on my face.

"How do I look?" I asked.

"Fantastic. Knock 'em dead," Anne Marie responded.

I took in a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and walked through the doors to tremendous applause. I didn't even trip on my way up the stairs. That was a plus, I guess.

 _Focus, Bella_ , I had to tell myself. _You need to be ready for this_. I smiled at the crowd from behind a walnut colored podium to deliver my speech. I had prepared it weeks ago. I had it memorized. I had practiced it in the mornings while getting dressed, in the kitchen when making dinner, in front of the mirror when doing my hair. I had timed it for applause breaks, laughter breaks, etc. I had been prepared. What I had not been prepared for was my mind to go blank the moment I opened my mouth. Well, not entirely blank. An image of Edward, sparkling in the sun, played in my mind and, like it always had, it dazzled me, stunned me. And just like that, I had forgotten my whole prepared speech. It wasn't as though this was the first time I had stood in front of a crowd. I grappled to get a hold of myself. I could do this. I am going to do this. I urged my mind to think, to remember—to remember my speech, not Edward. Not right now. I could feel the crowd beginning to shift uncomfortably in their seats as I just stood there, silent. And then, miraculously, it came to me. It wasn't my finest performance, and more than a little rushed but I was just happy it was over with. Well, the first part of the event was, at least. I dreaded what came next: the Q and A's. But it was all part of the job. It's not as though I wouldn't know the answers to the questions. Quite the opposite, really. It would be the same questions I got, over and over, book signing after book signing, press interview after interview.

I took a deep breath, in through my nose, out thru my mouth. I allowed the MC to take the microphone as I sat down in an upholstered chair on the stage to the right of the podium. After the MC thanked me for the glimpse into my new book, she announced to the crowd I would now be answering questions. All those in the audience who had a question for me should line up single file and take a turn at the microphone directly in front of the stage.

I tried to keep a smile plastered on my face as I waited for the inevitable. I squeezed my hands tightly in my lap, my knuckles turning even more white than normal.

And then they began.

"How did you come up with the idea for the books?"

 _Write what you know_. The old adage had brought me success. Not that I could ever let anyone know that. Nope. Unlike some people, I kept my promises. I told Edward way back when, before I even knew what he was, that I wouldn't tell people about him, and I haven't. Not in so many words, so to speak..

I had developed an alternate back-story for how I had come up with my inspiration.

I cleared my throat. "Well, one night I had a dream, a dream so vivid, it was as if I had lived it. It was about a girl who was in love with a vampire. And in that dream, he loved her back. I grabbed a paper and pen as soon as I woke up, because I didn't want to forget it." I stopped there, and smiled a fake smile for the crowd.

The next audience member approached the microphone. I squinted into the bright spotlights as she asked her question. "I read somewhere that you actually lived in Forks. How long did you live there and did you like it?"

Is it possible to sigh under your breath? I tried to stifle one as I answered. "Yes, my father is actually from Forks and I was born there. I set my story there because I was very familiar with the area. I actually lived there with my dad for awhile in high school. It is a nice area. You have to really like the rain, though," I added. The crowd softly chuckled.

"What made you name the main character Henry?" I couldn't bring myself to name my main character His name. I knew my fingers wouldn't want to type it repeatedly. I knew I wouldn't want to think it repeatedly. I knew I couldn't. So I thought of a different, old, turn-of-the 19th Century name. Henry Blackbern.

"I wanted an older, timeless name—I couldn't have a 100-year old vampire named "Kaiden" now, could I?" More laughter from the audience.

"Why did you decide to change your vampires, instead of using the traditional folklore of vampires? Why did you have them shine in the sun?"

"They don't shine, they sparkle!" I said a little too defensively. _Geez, Bella, get a grip,_ I thought to myself. I grasped my hands together. I smiled. I was getting over all this quickly. "Next question, please?" Anne Marie hated it when I started directing the Q and A's, but I really didn't know how much longer I could last today. I was holding my hands so tightly, they were starting to feel numb. That feeling was almost a relief. Numbness was a friend of mine. I had honed the numbness that I had started so many years ago, that dreadful senior year of high school. Right before Charlie sent me back to live with Renee. To Jacksonville. They had all hoped the Florida sun would warm more than my skin, my flesh. They had all wanted it to reach my inner depths, my soul. Edward may have claimed to worry for me, once, a long time ago, but ultimately, I felt, more often than not, that he had taken my soul that day, in the woods behind Charlie's house. The day he said good-bye. I've never felt complete since.

I realized there was a long silence, a feeling of awkward anticipation coming from the crowd. I must have missed the next question. "I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?" I asked.

"What advice would you give to aspiring authors?" Ok, good. This was an easier one. I eased up on my poor knuckles.

"Read a lot. I graduated with a degree in Literature; that helped me, as a writer, to always be reading. And then I worked in publishing as an editor until, one day, the story for _Dusk_ came to me and I had to write it down." _Dusk_. That was my series. The wildly popular young adult "fiction" series I had authored. About vampires, of course.

"What character do you most relate to?"

"All of them," I responded. "I understand where each of them is coming from. I "created" them, after all, right?" I added my fake smile again.

"Will Sophia and Henry get back together in this next book?"

"That would be a spoiler. I'm sorry, I can't answer that question." The answer, of course, was no. A big, fat no. I looked around for the MC. I was ready for this to be over. Signing books for all these people was going to take long enough. I had enough of the questions already. I caught her eye and she nodded and approached the microphone on the podium.

"Ok, if we could just have one more question, then we will take a few minutes to set up the table for autographs." She nodded to the next audience member who was standing at the microphone.

"How many rejection letters did you get before you achieved success?"

"Countless." I said, without much life in my voice. Rejection was something I felt every single day for the past nine years. Every. Single. Day.

Back in the hotel suite, I slumped on the couch. After the book signing-all the autograph and the photos-the demands on me hadn't stopped there. Anne Marie had arranged a late lunch and interview with a reporter. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, she let me retreat back to my room. I leaned forward, holding my head in my hands, closing my eyes. I kept the room dark, leaving the black out curtains closed and not turning on any lights. I had removed my jacket and unbuttoned the top buttons on the deep purple sleeveless silk blouse. I had kicked my shoes off the moment I had walked through the door. I sat, breathing in and out, trying to not relive today or any other day. I just wanted my mind to be as black as the room – empty, still. These publicity tours always left me feeling raw and this was only the first stop of my tour. They made me feel vulnerable. It wasn't the first time I had felt vulnerable. Vulnerable was being completely open with someone. I was vulnerable once and, since then, I have felt nothing but vulnerable every day of my life.

There was a heavy knock on the door. It must have been room service. Anne Marie had seen how worn out I was by the end of my duties and said she's place an order for me. She promised me comfort food. I could use some comfort right about now.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Hello, friends. Thanks for reading my story and leaving positive reviews – I really appreciate it!_

 _Did you know that our beloved fanfic site will NOT allow choose your own adventure stories? Because I was going to make this a Choose Your Own Adventure story, starting with: who is at the door?! But alas…so, I went with just one of the original possibilities. Hope you like the second installment!_

#

I swung the door open wide without even checking the peephole first. Charlie would have been mad about that. He's constantly lecturing me about the dangers a woman could encounter when travelling alone—that combined with that my celebrity status and the seemingly endless lectures meant possible trouble. Yet, there I was, opening my door open for…room service.

The waiter was dressed in his white uniform with a rolling cart by his side. I was a little taken back by the maniacal grin on his face. Yet, his face looked vaguely familiar in a dim, hazy way. I couldn't quite place him. It felt almost like I knew him from a different life. He was still grinning at me. It was obvious that he knew me. Or at least knew who I was, which happened relatively frequently, especially when I was checked in a hotel for a book tour. I squinted at him, trying to recollect from where it was I recognized him. My eyes trailed down to the nametag pinned crookedly on his white uniform. Then it hit me.

"Mike? Mike Newton?!" I gasped.

I did know him from a different life. My life in Forks. My life when I felt alive. My life when I was with Edward. My heart tugged in my chest.

"You remember me," he said, enthused.

"Well, yeah," I said, a little lamely. "I do. How- how are you?" I asked politely though, judging by his appearance, the past nine years had not been excessively kind to him. His cheeks, once rounded with youthfulness, were now round due to being…husky. That was the author in me, describing his excess weight considerately. His hair, though still blonde, was thinning on the top and while his eyes still had that puppy-dog quality to them, they seemed to sag more than they did once.

"Good, good," he said a little dismissively. "How are you, though? That's the question." He reached over to the cart beside him and entered the room and flipped on the light switch without any sort of invitation.

"I'm…fine. What are you doing here?" I asked uncertainly.

He kept grinning. "I know, right?" That didn't exactly answer my question. He began pulling out linens and it looked to me like he was planning on making it take awhile so I tried to cut him off.

"Listen, Mike," I began. "I have a really bad headache—"

"The old 'headache' excuse?" Mike said, using air quotes.

I went on, pretending like I hadn't just heard or witnessed that. "It's been a long day. It's been really great bumping into you like this, but—" Mike's face had started to cloud over. "I can sign something for you. Do you have a pen?" I trailed off and had to look away from the resentful look in Mike's eyes.

"I'm not just some dumb fan, you know," he said haughtily. "I know you. I know who you are. I know, for example, that you're completely awful at badminton."

I tried to smile. "Very true."

"So don't think I came here just for a stupid signature." I stopped trying to attempt a smile. "If I had wanted your signature, I could have dug up some old biology notes or something."

"I, um, ok," I said, trying not to upset him further. "I didn't mean to upset you, Mike. So, when was the last time you were at home?" I asked, desperately wanted to change the subject – so desperate I even brought up Forks.

His mood seemed to shift yet again. "I was there over Spring Break," he said. " _Spring Break?_ " I thought. What almost-thirty-year-old used "Spring Break" to denote a period of time?

"Oh, that's nice. How are your parents? How's the store?"

"The parental units are doing good. The store's doing good, too. Business is booming."

"Good, good," I said, not sure what else to say. "Um, so what did you bring me?"

"You don't know?" Mike asked.

"I didn't order it," I said, simply, but then added, "My agent did," when I saw Mike's face start to cloud over again, assuming, perhaps, I was travelling with someone. He nodded.

"A grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich, a personal margarita pizza, cheese enchiladas, and ice cream for dessert." _Thank you, Anne Marie_ , I thought. "Not very healthy," Mike added. Then his eyes raked up and down my body. "I guess you don't need to worry about that though, huh?" Seriously? No. Not ok. This is not what I needed. Not just right now, but not ever.

"You have more than enough, mind if I join you?" Mike sat down without letting me respond.

"Uh, don't you have to get back to work?" I asked delicately.

"I told them I would take my break after this delivery," Mike winked at me. Ok, I needed to end this, and quickly. So what if I made him mad. It wasn't as if I had to see him in our next class together – this wasn't high school anymore. Maybe Charlie would hear word from Mike's parents that I had treated him poorly, but whatever. I could handle that. What I couldn't handle was any more of Mike Newton's pathetic attempts at flirting with me, or whatever it was he was doing.

"Mike, it was really great seeing you. Really. But I have several calls I need to make and I need to prepare for my day tomorrow. So, if you don't mind, I'm going to eat alone tonight," I said pointedly.

He stood up, scowling. "Fine," he said. "I didn't think you, of all people, would change with fame and money. Pretty disappointing," he said, rudely.

I bit my tongue. I was not going to get into a sparring match with Mike Newton.

I walked behind him to the door. "Bye, Mike," I said bluntly.

"See you," he spat out bitterly.

I sighed heavily after the door slammed shut. What an end to an already awful day. I was emotionally drained. My eyes felt so incredibly heavy. I shuffled back to the tray of food and, not even bothering with utensils, started picking at everything with my fingers. I switched on the TV, hoping the mindless shows would drown out the commotion in my head.


	3. Chapter 3

We were in our meadow. I lay perpendicular to him in the soft, damp grass. My head was resting on his stomach, rising and falling with the breaths his body took but technically didn't need. I gazed at the curve of his cheek, the hard line of his jaw, mesmerized by the glinting of his skin shimmering in the temperate rays of sunlight. I sighed, contentedly, as the sun warmed our skin –well, my skin, at least. I closed my eyes. Then a sudden urge came in me, a growing panic, a need to hold on to this feeling in this moment forever, because it was ending. I grasped to hold on to the ease and happiness but suddenly, the scene was sweeping away from me. The meadow became dark. It was cold. My head was no longer resting on Edward's chest. Edward was gone, the sun had disappeared; it was dark, I was alone, and my head rested on something –soft? I felt around me in a panic as realization crept slowly back in my consciousness. I was in a bed. I turned my face into the pillow, the scent of the sheets unfamiliar. Not my bed but I was alone. I heard the loud whirr of the a/c motor. I was in a hotel room. Cold. Alone. In the dark. And with that, I was awake, a sinking feeling in my heart as I tried to grasp at the feeling of peace and warmth that seemed to forever elude me.

I sighed and dragged myself to the bathroom. I kept the lights dim, not wanting to see the ragged face I knew would be reflected in the mirror. I turned the shower on hot and let it run, the room filling with steam. I wanted to feel something warm.

After I showered, with one towel wrapped tightly around my body, and another on top of my head, twisted around my wet hair, I walked back into the bedroom to the sound of my alarm going off. The sound triggered something in me and I allowed myself to begin to pack away Edward. I needed to tuck him away in order to function in my day-to-day. And I could not allow myself another "dark day" like yesterday. My nerves were raw enough as it was. I needed to revamp. I flipped on all the lights and shut off the alarm. I opened the blackout curtains. The early morning sun came in gray through the gauzy curtains I kept closed. With each action I took, I could feel myself press down the aches, the memories, the longings. Instead I focused on my day. I shut off the air conditioning and sat myself at the desk. I pulled out my planner and prepped myself for Day 35 of the book tour.

The next location on the tour was a four-hour drive away. Anne Marie had given me the choice of flying or driving and I chose to drive. I didn't want to deal with the airports incessantly on my tour so, when the opportunity allowed, I told Anne Marie I'd rather drive. She wouldn't be coming with me today; she would re-join me here and there. I wasn't her only client, after all. When I heard the knock on my door, I assumed it was her, seeing me off.

I swung the door open, forgetting that I hadn't yet taken the time to get dressed and cringed as I realized I really should have checked the peephole first.

"Jake? What are you doing here?" I sighed with relief. "Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes."

He laughed at me as he took me in his arms and wrapped me in a bear hug. "You've been gone, what, not even 48 hours, Bells. You'd think your tour was on Day 36 already."

I felt the warmth and security I had been longing for in his embrace and I clung to him. "Yesterday was a really rough day," I said, my voice muffled in his shoulder.

"First day of the tour usually is for you," he said gently. "I tried to come last night but couldn't get a flight in until this morning."

"You didn't have to do that," I said. Then the reality of me, standing there in my towels, struck again and I grabbed at my towels. "Uh, let me go get dressed," I muttered, as I felt my cheeks turn pink.

Jake made a cat call whistle as I grabbed my clothes and swiftly walked into the bathroom. I shut the door a little too hard against his chuckle. I should have thought about clothes before I flung myself in Jake's arms, I scolded myself. But he's your best friend. Relax. It's nothing. I continued to argue with myself, muttering under my breath as I quickly got dressed and finished getting ready. I kept everything minimal, going for comfort and ease with a four-hour drive ahead of me.

"There," I said, as I walked out into the suite to join Jake. "I am presentable now."

"Depends on what your interpretation of the word is," Jake said, smirking. "I found you pretty presentable when you first opened the door."

I punched his arm and walked back over to the desk, picking up my planner. I never knew how to react when Jake said stuff like that. We were never that close in high school. We hadn't even attended the same school when I'd lived in Forks. He went to school on the reservation and I had been in Forks for less than a year. He had a crush on me then, I guess. I remember trying to flirt with him to glean information out of him once, long ago. And he and I had hung out a few times with Charlie and Jakes' dad, Billy. That was years ago, a lifetime ago. In a much different life, for both of us.

Jake had been more than a little surprised to hear from me, back when I was working on my first novel, _Dusk_. I wanted him to refresh my memory of the legends of his tribe he had revealed to me once, long ago, on the cold shores of La Push beach. He had been a little resistant, at first. I had nearly forgotten that he wasn't supposed to tell them to me in the first place. But then he did a little research of his own, found some books to recommend to me and shared what he felt he could with me. Jake had told me that after Billy had passed away, he had clung to the traditions of his family, of his people. It was a way for him to stay connected with his father. But he had grown lonely in La Push by himself. His sisters didn't live anywhere near the reservation and hadn't for years. I visited him a few times while working on the book. We kept up the relationship with phone calls and Skype conversations. He was always an easy person to talk to and I was always comfortable around him. Frankly, we were both lonely. We swiftly became best friends. Before Dusk was released, he had moved to be closer to me. He told me nothing was holding him down in La Push anymore.

After the whirlwind of success with _Dusk_ , Jake became my rock, holding me steady amidst the crazy storm. I loved and appreciated Jacob, but I always held him at a distance; like I did with everyone since Edward left me. Jacob seemed to hint at wanting something more, but I never allowed there to be anything but friendship between us. Anne Marie thought I was crazy for "taking Jacob for granted," as she considered it. But I didn't take Jacob for granted. I was grateful for the friendship, warmth and comfort he always willingly gave me. He had a big heart, and sometimes, deep down, I wondered if, perhaps, one day, his heart would be big enough for the both of us. But I wasn't ready to find out. Not right now. Not yet.

"So, you have me for three days," Jake said.

"Really?" I asked. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Bella, I'm sure. I have it all worked out. I wanted to surprise you, but I let Anne Marie know I was coming. She had me pick up the rental car when I landed at the airport. We're gassed up and ready for action," Jake said.

"Oh, cool," I said. "That's great. Thanks. I just need to finish packing up."

"Ok," Jake said, moving towards the couch. "Anything I can help you with?" he smirked as he picked up the lace bra I had tossed carelessly on the arm of the couch last night. "Wild night?" he asked.

"Hardly," I grunted, grabbing at the bra. "Comfort food and mindless tv."

"Exciting," Jake replied. "Did you even order a movie, charge it to the room? You should be living it up right now. You don't have to pay for it, the publishing house is."

"Why don't you get yourself some mini-bar nuts – really go crazy," I said.

"Don't mind if I do," Jake said. "I'll stock up with snacks for the drive."

"Uh, we could just stop at a gas station or something on the way out of town."

"We _could_ ," Jake said, "but why should we, when there are perfectly good snacks here, at our finger tips."

"$8.00 candy bars? Really?"

"Yep," he said grinning. "It makes them taste better."

"Uh huh," I said. "Sure, sure. Whatever. Anne Marie knows you're here – she knew what she was getting herself into, I guess." This wasn't the first time Jacob had come on the road with me. Anne Marie and I both knew that he liked to live it up when it was on someone else's tab. I just shrugged, shook my head and went to finish packing up my stuff. Already, the dark day of yesterday was being tucked away in the recesses of my mind.


End file.
